Saruman's Great Escape
by Lassar
Summary: So, how did Saruman and Grima ditch those pesky Ents and head off to ruin the Shire? Why, with the help of the fangirls, of course.
1. Default Chapter

Saruman's Great Escape

A/N: Ever wonder just how Saruman and Grima gave the Ents the slip? Yeah, me too.

Warning: Obviously this will not be pure canon, but I promise that none of the characters will be assraped by wargs, orcs, spiders, orany other canon charactersand decide that it is 'twu lub'. Surely that alone should make it worth the read? Well, let me know what you think.

Chapter 1

Saruman had been horrified when Grima had hurled the Palantir out the window of the tower. If the imbecilic twit had actually managed to brain Theodred or that meddling tree-hugger Gandalf with the orb, it might have been worth the loss. Well, perhaps not, as he would still have been imprisoned in his tower with naught but the sniveling of a broken puppet for distraction from his thoughts.

If only he still possessed the Palantir, Saruman could at least observe events happening beyond the tree line. Perhaps he could discover some weakness that could be exploited. If that rag-tag band of humans, elves, and halflings somehow managed to defeat the might of Sauron, and that was an exceedingly large 'if', there would be legions of leaderless minions just looking for someone to order them about. He could reunite them under his banner and teach those who had dared to oppose him the error of their ways.

As it was, he was cut off, unable to see or shape the direction of Middle Earth. It rankled the wizard almost as much as the stripping of his sorcery had. He could still sense the flow of magic, but could handle only the barest trickle of the power he had once commanded.

Yet even the smallest stream could carve through mountains, given time. Saruman would find a way around his current limitations, of that he had every confidence. First, he needed knowledge, and the best way to get that was to construct another scrying stone. He had tomes in his library that held the theories behind the construction of such things, and plenty of raw materials and components in his workrooms.

After a few weeks of failed experiments, Saruman managed to create something like the lost Palantir. It was fairly similar in size and appearance, but the stone was nowhere near as powerful. The true secrets to creating such a puissant object would take far longer to discern than mere weeks, but he was impatient to see something besides the four walls of his tower. The orb should be strong enough to show him anything that was in the open within a hundred mile radius, if he had done his work aright.

Dark eyes stared into the polished quartz as he spoke the command to awaken the stone. A soft ripple of power spun through the interior of the crystal, making the orb appear murky instead of clear. First, he would see if there were any near to thwart his plans. "Show me anything you can regarding those who would ally with Gandalf or that Dunedain, Aragorn, besides those which I can see with my unaided eye."

The swirling light increased within the Seeing Stone for several minutes before settling into a black field. Symbols flashed across the darkness, scrolling across the surface from left to right. They were familiar enough to tease the senses, but Saruman knew that he had never seen such glyphs before. The glittering white letters rose upward to make room for still more text as he stared.

What manner of magic had he wrought? It was not what he had anticipated, but this was the first orb that had not exploded or melted upon activation. The improvement was heartening, but now he was left with a new puzzle. What was this language, and why was the Seeing Stone showing it to him?

Maybe the orb wasn't powerful enough to actually show him events, and could only record them like a scroll? Yes, that must be it. Well, this had been his first foray into making such things; perhaps there was some passage or somatic gesture he had failed to note.

Since he had been using spells found in the oldest of his grimoures, perhaps the stone was recording in the language of the originators of the rituals? With a sense of wonder, the wizard began to trace the symbols on the wax tablet he had been making his notes on the sphere. By the time an hour had passed, Saruman was convinced he had all the symbols. There were even a great many repeated series of glyphs, which bore out his theory that the runes were a complex language.

It was unfortunate that using the Scrying Stone had depleted his magical reserves. It would take the passing of another day before he would have the energy to cast a translation spell. Although that would only apply to what he had copied down. The spell would need to be recast over each parchment that he copied. That would mean a day of copying, a day of rest, casting the spell to read the text, and then at least another day before he could use the orb again.

Saruman sat back and eyed the stone. Perhaps it would be more efficient to imbue the sphere with a translation spell than to suffer that ritual over and over until he could learn the language. Besides, he had never seen the like anywhere in all his travels. Why spend so much time learning something that was useful in such a limited fashion? It would not be difficult to add another enchantment to the orb.

Yes, that would do quite nicely. Decision made, the white haired wizard exited the room, careful to activate the door ward. It would not do for Grima to enter; the fool could not be trusted to refrain from defenestrating the Seeing Stone. Saruman had no wish to waste time and magic creating another. The world was continuing without him, he could feel it, and the sensation was infuriating.


	2. The AllSeeing Chatstone

Not knowing how much power it would take to merge the spell with the enchantments already in place on the Seeing Stone, Saruman waited three days before returning to the workroom. During that time he had restored what reserves he could hold, and stored the extra in another crystal that had been made specifically for this purpose.

Confident that he had all the energy he needed to power the spell, Saruman began casting. A soft golden mist filled the interior of the crystal, glowing briefly before fading. The globe was clear again, a residual hum of power the only sign of the dweomer he had added.

Saruman reached out to activate the Seeing Stone, eager to see the results of his handiwork, and recoiled. It had taken all his power to do this one little spell. He had nothing left to activate the orb, and trying had given him an immediate headache.

Gritting his teeth in frustration and anger at the weakness he was still not accustomed to, the wizard stalked out. He could take some of his temper out on Grima; it was his fault he was in pain anyway, the lackwit. Saruman stopped. Why was he wasting his magic when he could use Wormtongue's?

With an evil little smile, the wizard continued to hunt for the pathetic Rohirrian. Having your magic ripped away and used by another was very painful. He would get what he wanted and punish the little man at the same time. The day was beginning to look up.

"By the All-Seeing Eye, what is this nonsense?" Saruman growled, horrified and amazed by the now-translated text.

Grima lay on the floor, too weak to stand. He lifted his head, pale eyes watery with pain. He felt like he had been thrown on frozen prairie and trampled, his whole body aching. From his prone position the letters were warped by the curve of the crystal, but they could still be made out.

Legoluver69: Legolas is SO hot.

MrsGreenleaf: Tell me about it. drool '

Lego4evah: Yeah, why else do you think he was carrying that silver pitcher around Lothlorien? It was for all the drool

Ohthoseeyes: You guys are nuts. Frodo is the hottest. sigh Those eyes…

Legoluver69: Nuh-uh. Legolas baby, all the way.

Orlifan1: Still the prettiest

Rangerbabe: Ick. Pervy elf and hobbit fanciers. Can I get a wibble?

Anduril: wibble! Aragorn is muy macho. Can you just imagine him nakers? Yumm.

Stewardess: Oh please. Boromir is the manliest. I'd blow the 'Horn of Gondor' any time baby.

Lego4evah: Gross.

MrsGreenleaf: Hairy sweaty stubbly. Yeah, I can imagine it all right. Yuuucccchhh. It is to hurl.

Anduril: Just ignore the little elfy girls. They're not old enough to appreciate a real man.

Legoluver69: Hey, I'm fifteen! Whaddaya mean not old enough?

Anduril: I rest my case. Babies, the lot of them.

Legoluver69: So how old are you?

Anduril: Heh. Old enough not to answer that.

Legoluver69: Ohmigawd, are you over twenty?

Anduril: Maybe

Lego4evah: cough old cough

Anduril: Hey, I'm twenty-two. That's not old.

MrsGreenleaf: Think you're older than all of us.

Stewardess: Uhhh, not quite. I'm older than Anduril is. I think most of the Legomad fangirls are in their early teens. No offense.

Orlifan1: Hard to.

Orlifan1: Take offense that is. We ARE that age.

Rangerbabe: It's ok. You'll grow up and see that elves are cute, but nancing about in green tights isn't all there is to life.

Legoluver69: Oy! Whadda ya mean, nancing? Legolas is NOT gay.

Ohthoseeyes: Oh yeah? There's a whole sh tload of fanfiction out there that says he is.

Lego4evah: You're just mad because everyone thinks Sam an Frodo are a couple

Ohthoseeyes: Are not! Sam marries Rosie and has lots of kids. They're SO not sleeping together. Frodo is mine! My own, my precioussssss…

MrsGreenleaf: LOL

Pippinsscarf: Yeah well, you can have him. Pippin is the cutest hobbit. He's so sweet, and I love his singing.

"This is ridiculous!" Saruman growled as he put his hand over the orb to end the spell. He clearly needed to start over. Something had gone seriously wrong with his casting. As he spoke, words glittered to life inside the ball.

'Saruman has joined LotrhottiesChat'

Saruman: This is ridiculous!

Legoluver69: Whoah! Newbie on board, and it's a troll!

Saruman looked at the text in consternation. He was interacting with… whatever this place was. He decided to speak again.

Saruman: I am not a troll. I am a powerful wizard.

Anduril: Sure you are, 'Saruman'.

Legoluver69: rolleyes

Pippinsscarf: What's the matter, don't think the Maia are getting enough love?

Saruman: Love? Hah. I'd sooner hold a philosophical debate with one of my uruks than fall victim to love.

Rangerbabe: Then what the frell are you doing here? This chat room is for those of us in love or at least in lust with the Fellowship members.

Saruman: I'm not sure how I got in here. I was looking for information on the events occurring in Middle Earth after I was trapped in my tower.

Orlifan1: Riiiightttt…

Lego4evah: Not a troll, a nut job

Stewardess: Nah, he's a troll all right. Bugger off 'Saruman'; nobody's going to fall for that 'I'm really the White Wizard' crap, even if it IS slightly more original than pretending to be Legolas.

Saruman: I will not stand here and be insulted by children. I am going to search elsewhere for answers. Obviously none of you have any.

Saruman has left LotrhottiesChat

"Where did I go wrong?" Saruman glared at the Seeing Stone. This wasn't what he wanted at all. His brows drew together as he stared at the orb. "All that time, wasted. I am no closer to winning free of this accursed exile."

"Your pardon master, but perhaps you are closer than you think." Grima sniveled, knowing that Saruman would take his frustration out on him, and was desperate to shift his attention elsewhere.

"Of what are you speaking, little worm?" Saruman turned his eyes to the man huddled in his black robes.

"Did not one of the maidens speak of future events with complete certainty? I think you have wrought better than you could have dreamed. Treat with them as you did the White Council, and they will tell you everything you need to know."

"Bah, what do they know? They are nearly all adolescents, by their own admission." Saruman scowled. Although…there was some truth in what Grima said. He could gain information, but it would be an inefficient use of his time to winnow the wheat from the amount of chaff circulating in that place. Well, he would give it another try in a few days when his power was restored. Perhaps it was not always thus, and if it was, he could always shift the Seeing Stone's focus.


	3. A Plan is Hatched

A/N: Kd7sov thanks for reviewing. This is mostly my therapy for all the links Heywood feels the need to inflict… I mean share, but it's nice to know someone else is enjoying it as well.

Grima slumped on the stone flooring, abjectly miserable. Three times Saruman had reactivated the Seeing Stone, and each time it had shown him the exact same place. It could not be moved or refocused. Nor did the conversations they observed change much. There were other speakers, yes, but they hashed over the same topics. Legolas was a favorite for discussion, although others did have their day.

Except for the dwarf. He was never brought up as a lust object, for which Wormtongue was grateful. It had been bad enough to sit through the discussion on what Lord Elrond was or wasn't wearing under his robes. Worse had been the debate over whether or not his twin sons would share a wife, since they were one soul in two bodies, or if they were engaged in incestuous relations so that the two halves of their soul could come together as one.

It wasn't so much the subject that had been so bad as it was that it actually gotten Grima thinking about it. They'd actually caused him to think about a lot of things. Their discussions always provoked him to reevaluate everything he'd ever believed, usually in a negative light. This latest discussion had been no exception.

Today the LotrhottiesChat had been filled with debate over whether it would be better to go to Middle Earth, and the 'hottie' of choice, or have them come to their world. It was a rather blatant confirmation that the Seeing Stone was looking into another dimension, one that had some form of contact with Arda. They had to, otherwise, how could they know about the ones they spoke of, but what realm were they in? What kind of powers did they have that they could see into Middle Earth so easily?

"Get up, you weakling." Saruman kicked the smaller man in the side, interrupting his mental conjecturing.

Slowly, using the edge of the pedestal for support, Grima rose to his feet. He curled slightly around the pain in his ribs. "I have no more magic left in me this day, my master."

"I know that, fool, but you still have your legs. Get you to the dovecotes. Send this message to my Haradrim allies. I believe I have something to offer them that will be worth my release." Saruman smiled, and Grima recoiled from the unholy glee in his eyes.

Wormtongue took the small cylinder. When had Saruman written it? Had he been drained so much that he had failed to notice? That was a bad sign. One should always be aware of what the crafty old wizard was planning, lest one end up on the wrong side of an arrangement. He hobbled out of the room and headed for the cages that held the messenger birds.

Saruman used the birds when he didn't want there to be any chance that the other mages would learn of his maneuverings, and there were still several here from before the Ents had taken up patrol around the tower. The homing pigeons should travel right on past those slow-witted tree stumps.

"They want to go to Middle Earth, do they?" Saruman smiled down at the orb. Well, he could arrange that. The Haradrim would love to get their hands on a bunch of exotic virgins for their harems. Now he'd just have to find out how many they wanted in exchange for freeing him.


	4. The Way is Prepared

A/N: Since the no-chat edict, I've summarized all Saruman's conversations with the fangirls. Sorry, but I don't want to be in violation of the new rules.

o

Not waiting for a reply from the Haradrim lords, Saruman began to prepare for the arrival of the young women. After several more visits to the 'chat room', Saruman had learned how to create a false persona he called Maia, and followed Wormtongue's advice. (Not that he'd ever tell HIM that) The young women soon accepted 'Maia' as one of them, telling her everything she asked.

The wizard soon realized how ignorant they truly were about what magic could and could not do, although they were an advanced race. They used something called technology to achieve things Saruman had never dreamed, and yet they still wanted to come to Middle Earth. Fools.

He set Grima to work cleaning up two of the cells. After he had captured a few of the maidens, they could work on cleaning up the accommodations for themselves (it was doubtful that Wormtongue would get the rooms tidied up to a woman's idea of clean) and the others to follow.

While Grima cleaned, Saruman opened another of his workrooms. This one was devoted to conversing with extraplanar creatures. Usually he used it to summon, hold, and question imps, daemons, and lesser elementals. Pulling mortal damsels from one of the Prime Material Planes shouldn't be too difficult in comparison, especially not with the resonation from the Seeing Stone to guide him.

What had originally seemed like a massive design flaw was turning out to be very useful. Because the orb could only see into that one dimension, he could use it to pick that single realm out of the thousands that existed, and bring the young women to him.

There were still some difficulties to be ironed out however. The electromagnetic energy that pervaded the settled areas of this other world would interfere with his summoning spell. The first time he had experimented with bringing something across he could feel the magic trying to fight past the fields, only to be disrupted and dissipated.

Saruman had returned to the Seeing Stone, to see if he could somehow coax the maidens away from the electrical fields. He'd originally thought of suggesting some kind of pilgrimage to the wilderness, so they could 'feel closer to the characters'. When he'd suggested it, the girls had begun babbling about how it would be just like all the fan fictions, whatever those were, where the girls went camping and woke up in Middle Earth.

As the discussion progressed, Saruman realized that fan fictions must be what they called their legends and tales. Ever one to use an opportunity whenever one was given, 'Maia' had enthused that she was going to try it. If there were that many stories about it, maybe it could really happen. Many of the girls agreed that they too would go camping 'this weekend'. That was another measure of time that Saruman didn't understand, so he asked them to log in at some point before they left and tell 'her' when they were leaving and where they were going.

Having gained their agreement, Saruman began to prepare in earnest. He should be able to start bringing maidens through the portal in two more risings. Likely he could not bring more than a few over before the lesser magic the wizard now commanded was used up, but it would take weeks for the Haradrim reply to reach him. If he collected too many, he could always trade them to Umbar. The Corsairs had as big an appetite for women as the Haradrim Lords did.


	5. Enter the Fangirl

Saruman stood before a circle of eldritch light. The glow came from the mithril inlaid in the marble floor. It had taken several years of labor by master dwarves to create the permanent warding set into the floor, but it had been well worth the wait.

As an apprentice, Saruman had hated drawing out the circle, down on his knees with different colored chalks staining fingers and robe. It was undignified, not to mention hard on his back. Now he didn't have to waste hours carefully scribing out the protections or worry about any blurring or erasing of the lines by some odd quirk of fate.

The wizard reined in his errant thoughts as the white light changed to a soft blue. The shift in hue meant that the connection between worlds had been made. Now he needed to finish the incantation to bring the mortal across.

As Saruman chanted, the light strengthened. By the apex of the incantation, he had closed his eyes against the brilliance. There was an echoing clap like thunder as the air inside the circle was displaced, and then the light dimmed to a faint aquamarine foxfire.

Standing within the glow, features bleached out by the soft blue light, was a young woman. She was dressed in very tight, absolutely scandalous, attire. The chemise, if that scrap even justified the name, ended somewhere around her navel. There were several inches of bared flesh between the hem and the leggings that hung off her hips. More of that odd script from the Orb was sprawled across a budding chest. As she turned, her face blank with wonder, the words glittered like gold dust. Saruman wondered briefly what it said, and why anyone would allow a scribe to write on one's breast.

"Oh mi-Gawd! It worked!" The blonde-haired young woman in the center of the circle came out of her amazed shock and squealed.

"Lower your voice, child." Saruman winced at the high pitch.

"I'm here and I'm gonna marry Legolas! I think a little sqeeing is called for." She paused for a moment, making the wizard hope that the girl had calmed.

He began to say, "That's better," when she continued where she had left off.

"Oh Gawd! I'm gonna marry Legolas! Squeeeeeee!" The screeching was accompanied by an odd little circle dance that alternated arm-pumping with some vaguely suggestive hip gyrations.

Would his eardrums survive the assault? Saruman stuffed his fingers in his ears, but it didn't seem to help much. He let loose a rather loud noise of his own, but in a much deeper octave.

"Silence!" Sarumanput all his skill into the command.

"Wow, grumpy much?" She stopped mid-dance and gave the wizard a disgruntled look.

"You have no idea," Grima muttered in agreement. It was the first thing this strangely dressed girl had said that made any sense. Perhaps the trauma of being transported across dimensions had damaged her brain?

"So where's Legolas?" The blonde had calmed down enough to do a quick scan of the room, eyes glancing over the old dude and the pasty guy in black.

"Did you really believe the universe had bent its laws just so you could moon over an elven prince who would have to give up his immortality to marry you?" Saruman's voice dripped with contempt.

"Well, duh! I'm here aren't I? Besides, how hard a choice can it be? Arwen gave up being an elf for Aragorn, and I'm LOADS cuter than he is." So saying, she flipped her blonde hair with one hand.

"I'm sure that will come as a great comfort to him when he is bent and withered with age." Saruman sneered.

"What-ever. Ignorant dork. Legolas and I will sail to Valinor and never get old. So there!" The girl actually stuck her tongue out at the wizard.

For a long moment Saruman was struck speechless by the rampant ignorance of the girl. Humans were forbidden to trod the Blessed Isle on pain of death. Only one Man had stepped foot on the Island's soil and survived. Earendil, the father of that damned Peredhil Elrond. Even then, he had not been allowed to return. Oh no, Elwing's husband had been given a choice, death or to eternally traverse the Heavens.

Not knowing which point to address first, and not sure he wanted to bother, Saruman decided to ignore the whole thing. Besides, educating this willfully ignorant child was not necessary. The Haradrim Lord who's Seraglio she entered wouldn't be concerned in the least with the state of her mind.

Instead of answering her, he began the ritual to end the sending. He had made modifications so that the girl would not go back. Saruman had based it on the spell for binding imps into service, so it should work. If it didn't, well, there were always more girls.

The blonde watched nervously as the wizard began to chant again. He wasn't sending her back was he? She'd just got here. She hadn't even seen so much as a pointy ear yet! She watched with trepidation as the circle flared brighter, wondering what was going on. From her end it had seemed like a sudden storm, clouds drawing in and lots of high wind, then a ball of lightning had coalesced around her. When it disappeared, she was here. "I don't wanna go back!"

If Saruman heard her, he gave no sign of it. When the incantation was finished, the mithril went dark, but the girl remained. He smiled, flushed with success. It had worked. He was one step closer to freeing himself of this ridiculous confinement. "Come forth young human, Grima will show you to your room. Follow him, go only where he takes you."

The blonde took a tentative step forward and met no resistance. Her face brightened as she walked out of the circle. She had done it. She was in Middle Earth. Now all she needed was her Leggy-poo, and everything would be perfect. She stopped next to the guy who definitely needed some sun and said, "You're taking me to Legolas right?"

"Uhhm, no…" Grima was at a loss as to how to deal with her. He had never really had much to do with girls, other than loving Eowyn from afar, and that wasn't likely to stand him in good stead now. No, females were still very much a mystery to him.

Blue eyes narrowed dangerously, "What do you mean, no?"

"Uh, I don't know where he is?" Grima offered. It was the truth. He didn't. It was also the only thing he could think of that would not make her any angrier with him.

Seeing him cringe away from her, the blonde decided he wasn't lying. She turned instead to the dude in white robes. He probably knew and just wasn't telling her to be difficult. She put one hand on her hip and poked Saruman in the chest with the other, "You tell me where Legolas is right now!"

Saruman smiled, a predatory show of teeth, "There is no Legolas waiting for you, you fool. I, Saruman, have captured you."

"Hah. Hah. Very funny. Now stop playing around and bring on the Elven Love God, we've got some serious snogging to catch up on." She stepped forward, intending to go looking for Legolas herself, but found herself stopped. She could not move.

Shocked by her sudden immobility, the young woman raised big blue eyes and really looked at the white robed wizard claiming to be Saruman. Ok, so he did kinda have the bushy eyebrows and long hair, and if Legolas was here than all the bad guys had to be too right? Right. Crap. Fear finally entered her face as she realized her situation.

. "The spell that brought you here has certain safeguards built into it. You must follow any orders that I give precisely. There is no room for disobedience. The enchantments were made to hold more pernicious creatures than Man." Saruman smiled at the look of horror on her face. "You begin to understand the truth of things, do you not?"

"Hmph. It doesn't matter. Legolas will save me." She muttered mutinously. She could still say what she wanted; she just couldn't leave without Grima. So far. She could get around her parents, how much harder could this be? She'd just have to put some effort into it. She'd blow this Popsicle stand, find Legolas, and live happily ever after.

"I doubt that very much." Saruman chuckled and watched as Wormtongue led the girl away.


End file.
